Ex's and No's
The Breakup Advice You Don't Want to Hear
1. Auflage Februar 2026
256 Seiten, Softcover
Wiley & Sons Ltd
Heal your broken heart with compassionate, cathartic advice on life and relationships
Ex's and No's: The Breakup Advice You Don't Want to Hear is a compassionate guide to healing broken hearts. This book is a true companion to walk you through your heartbreak, serving as both a shoulder to cry on and an encouraging aid to restore your confidence and maximize your chances of building and maintaining a healthy relationship. With personal anecdotes from an author who's been through multiple relationship breakdowns, this book will help readers understand their emotions, take accountability for their actions, identify good and bad relationship habits, focus on relationship intentions and priorities, learn to forgive, and discover how to date with joy and purpose again.
Readers will also find insights on:
* The reasons why people break up, from drained emotional bank accounts to sabotage and familiarity
* The necessity of going no contact, and what that entails beyond basic communications
* Ways to avoid unhealthy distractions so you can truly feel your emotions
* Small wins and their power in helping you get through the day
* The role of forgiveness and gratitude in the healing process
Ex's and No's is the definitive roadmap to turn your pain into power, your heartache into action, and your breakup into the beginning of a joyful new chapter in your life.
Chapter 1 Why Your Brain Thinks Love Is Life- or- Death 1
Evolutionary Biology 3
Childhood 4
Our Three Primal Fears 6
Chapter 2 No Contact (Creating the Environment to Heal) 15
The No Contact Rule 16
No Contact to Get an Ex Back 22
No Contact to Move On 23
Chapter 3 What Kills Good Relationships? 39
Category 1: Differences in Attachment Styles 40
Attachment and Adult Romantic Relationships 44
Attachment Theory in Breakups 55
The Anxious- Avoidant Trap 55
Category 2: A Mismanaged Emotional Bank Account 59
Category 3: Differences in Goals or Values 61
Category 4: Self- Sabotage 63
Chapter 4 How to Rebuild a Relationship That Lasts 69
Move On or Wait for Them? 69
Common Mistakes 88
Should You Ever Reach Out to Your Ex? 94
Chapter 5 Crossing the River of Grief 97
Facing Your Pain 100 Modulating Healthy Distr(action) 102
Thinking Errors 104
Chapter 6 The Life- Changing Power of Small Wins 117
Micro Wins 119
Life Map 123
Say Yes to Things That Scare You 129
Anchoring Hope in the Future 130
Chapter 7 How to Stop Falling for People Who Can't Love You Back 133
Inner Beliefs 135
Your Beliefs Choose Your Relationships 140
Reliance on Others: Anxious vs. Avoidant 141
Letter to Little You 145
Daily Tracking 147
Chapter 8 Focusing Outward (Why Self- Care Is Not Enough) 151
The Science of Connection 152
Your Pain Qualifies You to Help Others 154
Connection as a Healing Tool 155
Chapter 9 Forgiveness: Setting Yourself Free 161
Forgiving with Boundaries 163
Forgiving Others 164
Forgiving Yourself 167
Forgiveness Is Free 171
Chapter 10 What If This Was the Best Thing That's Ever Happened to You? 175
Adjusting the Meaning and the Sunk Cost Bias 179
Releasing Control 182
Reframing Relationship Failure 184
Chapter 11 Dating After Heartbreak, Without Losing Yourself Again 187
The Dangers of Dating Too Soon 189
How Do You Know When You Are Ready? 193
Should I Date If I Still Think About My Ex? 194
Beginning to Date 195
Planning Dates 196
Feeling Numb 197
Overcoming Emotional Numbness 198
Setting Yourself Up for Success 203
Attachment Styles in Early Dating 203
Discussing Past Relationships and Partners 208
Finding People to Date 209
Look Where You Want to Find Them 211
Your Dating Compass: Primary and Secondary Characteristics 212
Chapter 12 Lined with Gold 217
Dear Reader 221
Acknowledgments 223
About the Author 225
Index 227
"This has become my go-to resource for clients navigating heartbreak. Cole beautifully combines science, empathy, and actionable tools to help you heal, grow, and avoid the painful mistakes that keep so many stuck. It's not just about getting over your ex (or getting them back)--it's about coming back even better than before and stepping into your best self through the process."
--Morgan Starr-Riestis, LMHC, PATP
"Cole Zesiger is the coach you want in your corner after a breakup. In Ex's and No's: The Breakup Advice You Don't Want to Hear, he delivers his trademark no-nonsense advice--hard-hitting yet deeply comforting. Cole reminds you he's been there too. And like him, you can reclaim your life, build with strength, and come out even better on the other side. A must read for anyone in the thick of heartbreak!"
--Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu, co-authors of How to Be Dateable: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Person and Falling in Love and co-hosts of the hit podcast Dateable
"Cole has an amazing way of being pragmatic about heartbreak while still navigating the emotional complexities you may face after a heartbreak. It's a great step-by-step tool on how to approach the many challenges you may face during the heartbreak process. If you're lost in the process of a heartbreak, consider using this as a companion on your journey."
--Jaymen Chang, author of I love this version of myself that you brought out and creator of @thebreakupjournalpdf on Instagram
"I was blown away by this book. I expected something good--but not something this well-researched, insightful, and genuinely funny. As a couples therapist with over two decades of experience, I was struck by the depth of Cole's understanding of relationships. His ability to blend humor, vulnerability, and solid psychological principles makes this a book I'd recommend to anyone who cares about improving their connection with others."
--Tony Overbay, LMFT and host of The Virtual Couch podcast
"Cole wrote the book I want to give my personal friends and family members when they go through heartbreak. It's so practical and incredibly useful!"
--Trevor Hansen, LMFT, @theartofhealingbytrevor on Instagram